...and therapy and time and shouting and time and hate and love and time and crying


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"Temkin used to be angry about how the world works, but he's learned to turn that anger into creative energy, an energy that is the opposite of hate. It is infectious."
via: Polygon
(http://www.polygon.com/features/2013/12/20/5219806/max-temkin-against-humanity#)
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The above statement describes me surprisingly well this morning. 

 I am angry at my father for not working how I want him to work. The thing is, I don’t want him to be Superman I just want him to become something that every human being should be: 
• open 
• empathetic
• compassion focused
• humane
• secure with himself

But that dream is fucking dead. He won’t be any of those things. Ever. 

 He will die of age and disease before that dream comes true. If he lived forever and I didn’t. I would die before that dream comes true.

I don’t think it’s an entirely selfish dream to have. To have a bondable father. To have a not insecure father. To have him be a human being I would want myself to be. To have him be someone to aspire to be.

 But that dream dies this year, 2013. I will let it go. If I don’t I will ruin myself.

I trust my gut. I never trust his.