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my therapist saying “I couldn’t even open their email because the energy was so triggering,” is both validating and heartbreaking. at least i know i’m not imagining how difficult this family member is
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A Letter I’m Reading to My Aunt in Family Therapy Tomorrow
Dear Tita,
I wrote this letter to read to you during our session with my therapist today. I wanted to organize my thoughts so I could share my heart clearly with you. I’ve been learning so much about our family through therapy, and I want you to understand where I’m coming from so we can work together better.
What This Session Is About
Tita, we’re here today because I need to talk about how we communicate and how we can create a better environment for my healing while I’m living with you. I’m not here to blame you or make you feel bad. I’m here because I believe we can do better together.
My therapist is here to help us have this conversation safely and to help us understand each other better. I trust both of you, and I hope we can work through this together.
What I’m Grateful For
Before I talk about what’s been difficult, I want you to know how grateful I am for everything you’ve done for me. You opened your home when I needed housing. You participated in therapy sessions with me and shared family truths that my father kept hidden for decades. That took courage, and it has been essential for my healing. You’ve been buying groceries and helping with practical needs. I see all of this and I appreciate it deeply.
Cultural Context for My Healing Journey
Tita, I want to share something important about the healing work I’m doing. I’ve learned that many Filipino families carry intergenerational trauma from colonization that shows up as emotional silence and conflict avoidance. The way our family handled Dad’s abuse - by staying quiet and not protecting me or Mom - reflects these colonial patterns that taught us to prioritize pakikisama “keeping peace” over protecting children.
I’m not rejecting Filipino culture by asking for emotional support. I’m trying to heal so I can have authentic Filipino relationships based on genuine kapwa (shared identity) and pakiramdam (emotional sensitivity), not the colonial patterns that taught us to silence our pain.
You shared crucial family truths with me that Dad hid for decades - that took courage and broke the colonial pattern of silence that protected abusers. Now I’m asking you to continue that brave work by learning healthier communication patterns.
What Has Been Difficult for Me
There have been some interactions between us that have made it harder for me to heal while living here. I want to talk about these specifically so we can understand each other better:
When my dog Googie died and I was crying on his first death anniversary, you told me to stop crying and asked why I was still crying. That wasn’t helpful and it really hurt me. When someone I love dies, I need to be able to grieve without being told to stop. There’s no time limit on how much I can cry about losing someone I loved. In authentic Filipino culture, grief deserves witness and patience - this is how we honor love in our family.
When I send you emails about emotional things, you consistently ignore the emotional content while immediately responding to practical matters. For example, when I shared about finding that depression book at the library, you never responded, but you immediately replied about HVAC logistics. When I sent you that detailed budget email in June where I explained that therapy was “essential for my healing and getting stable,” thanked you multiple times, and asked for guidance about our long-term living arrangement, you responded with just “ok” and nothing else. But when it’s about moving furniture or renovation schedules, you give detailed, thoughtful responses. This pattern tells me that my emotions don’t matter to you, even though I know that’s probably not what you mean. True pakiramdam means sensing and responding to each other’s emotional needs, not just practical ones.
When you ask “where are you going?” every time I leave, it feels like you’re monitoring me. I’m an adult who can come and go without reporting to you. Authentic care means showing interest in my emotional world, not tracking my physical movements. It would feel better if you just said “have a good day” or asked “how are you feeling today?”
Growing up, family members used utang na loob (debt of gratitude) and “respect for elders” to make me responsible for adult emotions when I was just a kid. I became the emotional caretaker because of hiya (shame) - told I shouldn’t cause trouble by having needs or feelings. That’s not authentic Filipino culture - that’s trauma disguised as tradition.
When you tell me to stop crying about Googie or ignore my emotional emails, you’re continuing these colonial patterns that silence children’s pain to protect adults’ comfort.
These might seem like small things to you, but they feel big to me because I’m healing from trauma. I’m not asking you to be perfect. I’m asking you to try to understand why these interactions make it harder for me to feel safe here.
What I Need to Feel Safe Here
In true Filipino culture, elders protect children and create emotional safety for the community. The “respect” that kept everyone silent while I was being hurt as a child - that wasn’t Filipino values, that was colonial trauma being passed down. When I ask you to acknowledge my emotions, I’m asking you to practice authentic pakiramdam - the ability to sense and respond to each other’s emotional needs.
Real bayanihan (community spirit) means we heal together. But it requires courage to face difficult truths, not just maintain surface pakikisama (harmony) while avoiding real problems.
For me to continue living here and healing, I need some changes in how we communicate:
When I share something emotional with you, I need some kind of response that shows you heard it - even just “thank you for telling me” or “I hear you.” You don’t have to fix anything or give advice. I just need to know that my emotional world matters to you. This is authentic malasakit (compassionate care).
When I’m processing difficult emotions, I need space to feel them without being told to stop. Crying, being angry, or needing alone time are all normal parts of healing. Grief deserves witness, not dismissal.
I need basic respect in our daily interactions. This means not questioning my movements as an adult, and acknowledging when I reach out to you about things that matter to me.
If we can’t work together on these things, I’ll need to explore other living arrangements. I want to be here, but only if we can create an environment that supports my healing instead of making it harder.
What I Need for My Continued Healing
Tita, I also need to see that you’re willing to do your own work to understand how your patterns affect others. Given everything I’ve learned about how our family failed to protect me growing up, I need you to go to therapy - either with my therapist or someone she recommends - once a week for at least a year.
I know in traditional Filipino thinking, therapy might seem “un-Filipino” or too American. But getting help to heal emotional wounds actually honors our ancestors who survived colonization and oppression. Our kapamilya (extended family) system was always meant to provide emotional support - therapy just gives us better tools to do that.
The shame around mental health isn’t authentic Filipino culture - it’s colonial mentality that taught us to hide our struggles. True Filipino strength means facing our wounds with community support, not carrying them alone in silence.
This isn’t punishment. This is what I need to feel safe continuing to live here and building any kind of relationship with you. I’ve learned that my whole childhood, adults failed to protect me because they wouldn’t do their own emotional work. If you want to be different, I need to see you commit to therapy.
The way you handled my grief about Googie, the way you don’t respond to emotional content - these aren’t just small issues. They’re part of patterns that hurt people. If you really want to support my healing, this is what I need to see.
Why This Matters So Much
Living with family trauma while trying to heal is some of the hardest work a person can do. Some days I feel like giving up. I’m doing this work while living in a place that often feels emotionally unsafe, which makes everything ten times harder.
This isn’t about becoming “too American” or rejecting our culture. This is about healing the parts of our family culture that were damaged by colonization and trauma. We can honor Filipino values while refusing to accept harmful patterns that get passed down as “tradition.”
The malasakit (compassionate care) I’m asking for - responding to emotional needs, witnessing grief, creating safety - these are authentic Filipino values that colonization tried to destroy. By doing therapy and changing communication patterns, you’d be helping restore genuine Filipino community care.
I’m not asking you to fix my trauma or become my therapist. I’m asking you to stop doing specific things that make it harder for me to heal, and to start doing some small things that would help me feel like my emotional world has value in this house.
What Happens Next
I need to hear from you today whether you’re willing to work with me on these changes. I need to know if you can:
- Commit to not telling me to stop crying or questioning how long I grieve
- Respond when I share emotional content with you, even briefly
- Stop asking “where are you going?” and treat me like the adult I am
- Go to therapy once a week for at least a year to work on your own patterns
If you can’t commit to these things, that tells me what I need to know about what’s possible here. You mentioned before that you could help me find other housing if needed. I may need to take you up on that offer if we can’t work together on creating emotional safety here.
I want this to work between us, but I also need to protect my healing. Your response today will help me understand what choices I need to make.
Thank you for listening to all of this, Tita. I know this is a lot to hear. I’m ready to answer any questions you have and to work with my therapist to help us understand each other better.
Miguel
This letter represents part of my ongoing healing from Complex PTSD and childhood trauma. I’m sharing this because breaking silence around family dysfunction is part of my recovery, and maybe it helps someone else who’s navigating similar challenges.
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Therapist emails my aunt about scheduling a session to work on communication. Aunt ignores the entire thread. Her silence IS the problem we’re addressing. Living 24/7 with emotional unavailability while healing from CPTSD is suffocating. Back to sleeping in my car
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Recorded myself reading the Rainbow Bridge Poem. Crying again. I miss my poodle. It’s been over four years since he died.
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43 years ago on June 19 Vincent Chin was murdered by racists in Detroit
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christ the feels like is 115F/42C
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Take my B+ blood
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It’s been over two years since I got a vasectomy. Hooray!
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Gonna eat this expired yogurt tube just to feel something
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Tummy hort. Scheduled talks with more sympathetic emotionally attuned family members. Cried by myself a bit on a couch.
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I get super constipated waaaaayyy too often. I gotta up my water intake.
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I was able to work with my hypervigilance this morning and get myself to leave and go to church and it’s OK that I’m gonna be late
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Oh. Good. Feeling super low again. I hate my family. I need to live elsewhere
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Maybe I put the name Mike on my resume. Sometimes I worry having the name Miguel makes people worry that English isn’t my first language or some dumb shit
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The cruelty of depending on family members who can provide material support but zero emotional safety. ‘Here’s some life advice - take it or leave it’ after I explained my financial situation. Cool, thanks for making me feel like shit in my own living space.
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Dog died four years ago today. I miss him lots.
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I have requested my premature birth medical records! Let’s see if they find them and how long it’ll take.
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I’ve been eating one Gogurt a day and I think it’s been good for my poop
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ugh fuck a card i never used got auto-charged for a thing. thought i gave a diff card a year ago. missed the payment. aghhhhh
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Got my summer covid booster yay
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I am in my car speaking this message and on my way to you services for the first time in a month and a half?
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pure nostalgia candy
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Man I wish I had some weed tonight
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Had a hard but fruitful family therapy session today. My father sucks EVEN MORE than I already thought he did
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