hello miguel

  • at a UU young adult summit! i guess… i’m still a ‘young’ adult at my age??? i’ll take it. i do have a youthful face! (it’s why i grew the facial hair, to look a smidge older)

    A man with glasses and facial hair is seen in a brightly lit indoor setting. He is wearing a white T-shirt with a colorful "TETRIS" logo. In the background, a whiteboard with handwritten text and a few items on a shelf can be seen.

  • This month is the eleventh anniversary of me writing into Emily V. Gordon's advice column about my mom

    I still feel like this guy. Seeking, searching for someone else who gets it. Who wants to talk about it and get into it.

    Thu, Mar 7, 2013 at 9:14 AM, Miguel Manalo mmanalo@gmail.com wrote:

    Hello Emily,

    I really liked your talk with Paul Gilmartin on his podcast this past week. I learned a little more about what exactly schizophrenia is and what symptoms are like and I learned that there are varying levels of severity. I’m scared to research that sort of stuff on my own because I’m scared of what I’ll find out.

    My mother has schizophrenia and I have been so consumed these past few weeks (since the start of 2013) with the dread of maybe I’ll end up like her. I feel a lot of guilt for not being more helpful when I was younger (I am 24 now). Her brothers and sisters (my aunts and uncles) would always ask me to take care of her but doing that and growing up and dealing with my parents' divorce was hard to do. We eventually got a restraining order on my mother about a year ago because she kept coming to the house (my father’s house) and wouldn’t leave for hours without talking to either me or my sister and talking to her is really hard.

    I wrote to you in August 2012 and you made me feel heard and spurred me to talk to a counselor here at my college in NJ. He is so great and I look forward to my hour with him every week. He told me that in his professional opinion he doesn’t see signs of schizophrenia in me and that I am leaving the window for when it would occur but I’m still scared.

    On a recent Indoor Kids you talked about the game “Depression Quest” and that made me feel like maybe I was depressed and my depression may be getting in the way of my studies. The ‘emotionally healthy’ options crossed out in red in the game and the less healthy choices your left with made me feel like I was looking at my own brain and the choices I give (and not give) myself. I’ve been scared about talking to the school psychiatrist about medication because it seems scary that my brain is off and needs some help. I’ve tried journaling 750 words freestyle everyday, exercising consistently every week, meditating for 20 minutes a day, hugging my dog multiple times a day, reaching out to my support network and going out and talking to new people, but this dread and hate of the major I’ve chosen (accounting) and fear of what my genetics might turn me into turn up the volume of the critic in my head and he wins. I want to talk to friends about this but like you said on the show, maybe sometimes I’m too much, too raw and I get that is unfair to people sometimes to make them have to be my sounding board in an intense way.

    I have my appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow morning. I’m nervous and scared and excited.

    I think my fear and guilt and all those complex emotions have been getting in the way of me finishing up this last semester of undergrad. I’m worried that my missed assignments and half-assed written assignments and half-assed online quizzes are too poor for me to turn around and turn into a passing C grade.

    Um, I guess my question is: What other things can I do to feel less alone and more connected?

    Thank for for encouraging me again to get back into talk therapy and for making this lonely guy feel listened to by someone he respects.

    Miguel Manalo

    Your Mental Illness Happy Hour appearance

    Ask Gynomite <> Thu, Mar 7, 2013 at 3:12 PM

    To: Miguel Manalo mmanalo@gmail.com

    Hi there. Thank you for writing and I’m so glad you’re already taking steps to protect yourself. I have a couple of things for you in no specific order:

    1. I don’t know if you’ve done drugs (I don’t recommend doing a ton with your genetic background), but in the same way that if you think you’re going to have a bad trip, you WILL have a bad trip, don’t focus too much on your fear that you will develop more severe symptoms. Instead, focus on all the ways that you are not schizophrenic (the fact that you’re making so many self-care decisions for yourself is a great start). I play a game with my genetics where I try to kinda make fun of them, and exert my own will over them. When I feel myself getting in an anxious rut, I go “Oh come on, dumb ass DNA, I don’t have time for this”. It sounds weird, but it works for me.

    2. Seeing a psychiatrist today is fantastic. Always keep a psychiatrist and therapist on hand- as great as podcasts and reaching out to people like myself may feel, having someone actually work with you professionally is what you need. It’s another way you take care of yourself.

    3. I always recommend people get involved in some kind of volunteer work. You may think you don’t have time for it, but you do, and it’s really helpful to get you outside of your own head for a while and into the problems of other people. I also recommend support groups for people with depression, or family members of people with mental illness. You are not alone in being scared of your genetics.

    Good luck to you!

    Emily

  • my current Moonlander keyboard layout

    my typing sound

    my Moonlander’s custom specs

    • MX Silent Red switches
    • One O-ring on each stem
    • Thumb clusters raised up
    • Additional 3D-printed leg added to support the raised thumb cluster

  • Part 3 of my interview about growing up with a schizophrenic mom is here: https://go.hellomiguel.com/sandy3

    So grateful to Sandy for editing these.

    Interview Miguel Manalo - Growing Up with a Schizophrenic Mother Part 3 Miguel Manalo Voice Actor I Hear You CHILDREN OF SCHIZOPHRENICS Miguel M. Sandra Lau How the struggles of migrating to another country affects mental health. Miguel and Sandra are also children of immigrant parents

  • i just bought ‘Recovery of Your Inner Child’ By Lucia Capacchione on libro.fm to help me with my inner child dialoguing practice.

    libro.fm is great! you buy audiobooks & still support your local bookstore. if you sign up with my link i get a book credit!

    libro.fm/referral

  • <img style=“display:block; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;” src=“https://microblog.hellomiguel.com/uploads/2023/scr-20231120-rdga.jpeg" alt=“Why I think Grief is the most powerful emotion in Life.

    Being willing + able to grieve makes you less afraid to risk being your True Self

    Because you know how to grieve the consequences + loss of what so often comes with that.

    nfyt” title=“SCR-20231120-rdga.jpeg” border=“0” width=“1810” height=“2200” />

    i wrestle with the privilege i have that i am willing and able to grieve.

  • countdown to my 90th(?) year

    memento mori 20140 days left

  • Updated my post with resources about growing up with a schizophrenic parent. Found podcasts from The Mental Illness Happy Hour w/other children. Booked a consultation call with one of the guests: Paolina Milana. She does coaching and also has a schizophrenic mother miguel.url.lol/resources

  • My interview with Sandra Lau about growing up with my schizophrenic mom is up. She also grew up with a schizophrenic mother.

    SCR 20231111 pwot

    Interview with Miguel Manalo - Growing Up with a Schizophrenic Mother Part 1 (I Hear You, YouTube)

    I’m so happy I met Sandy!

  • i did all these dishes! and had this idea to watch videos at eye level

    a sink full of dishes. to the left is a dish drying rack that's full. a phone is suspended on a bendable arm for viewing.

  • trying to use this time-tracking app i bought 1.5 years ago again, Qbserve (cube serve)(???)

    all my productive time today was an in-person meeting

    <img style=“display:block; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;” src=“https://microblog.hellomiguel.com/uploads/2023/scr-20231030-swsa.png" alt=“PRODUCTIVE 2h 46m Meeting 1h 17m Thinking 40m 34s zoom.us 14m 33s iMovie 11m 20s Adobe Audition 9m 33s NEUTRAL 4h 19m Driving 46m 2s Mail 41m 24s Finder 26m 27s Screen Sharing 21m 40s

    Qbserve 17m 50s DISTRACTING 2h 11m Discord Safari 43m 52s

    How to disable… 10m 32s

    YACReader 10m 19s QuickTime Player 8m 7s

    Messages 4m 52s 25% MORE PRODUCTIVE THAN YESTERDAY” title=“SCR-20231030-swsa.png” border=“0” width=“599” height=“181” />

  • Resources I've found for myself to heal from Complex PTSD as the child of a schizophrenic mother

    I’ve found myself copying and pasting these resources over and over again so I wanted to put it all in one spot. I’ll add to it as I go.

    Initial draft: 28-Oct-2023

    Writings by children with a schizophrenic parent:

    • Tastes Like War by Grace M. Cho
      • Have it on audiobook from Libro.fm but haven’t started it.
    • Shimmer by Alexandra Hewett
      • Have it on paperback but haven’t started it. She’s from NJ like me!
    • Swallow the Ocean by Laura M Flynn
      • Listened to the audiobook. Was very validating. Even though the details are different I felt her story in my bones.
      • It's the first memoir of a child with a schizophrenic parent that I started and finished. Haven't started any of the others I've mentioned because honestly I need a break. These memoirs are a lot to process and hold. They touch me where I'm still the most raw.
      • It was recommended to me by Kelly Barnhill on BlueSky and I'm so thankful to her for that gesture. Learning someone else's story as the child of a schizophrenic mother through this memoir made me feel so much less alone with it. I think I was too scared to look for such books on my own. I'm tearing up right now thinking about feeling so seen by her that she'd recommend the book to me.
    • Growing Up with a Schizophrenic Mother by Margaret J. Brown, Doris Parker Roberts
      • Haven't started it but have a physical book
    • The Memory Palace by Mira Bartok
      • Haven't started the audiobook yet
    • A Childhood Made Up: Living with My Mother's Madness by Brent Meersman
      • Haven't started reading the ebook yet
    • Committed: A Memoir of Madness in the Family by Paolina Milana
      • Paolina has a schizophrenic mother and sister
      • There but for the grace of God go I: When a shooter with a mental illness hits home (The Mental Illness Happy Hour)
        • Paolina worries about her family members' potential actions and the view of mental illness in society.

    Interviews about growing up with a schizophrenic parent:

    • Interview with Alexandra Hewett by I Hear You - Sandra Lau (YouTube)
    • Interview with Mira Bartok by I Hear You - Sandra Lau (YouTube)
    • Interview with Dr. Margaret Brown by I Hear You - Sandra Lau (YouTube)
    • I was also interviewed by Sandra Lau. (YouTube)
    • Tiffany Haddish talks about her mother’s descent into mental illness (schizophrenia), the abuse she suffered at her hands, the year she spent in the foster care system and the strength she feels it has given her. (The Mental Illness Happy Hour)
    • Charlie King is host Paul Gilmartin’s support group friend and has led an astoundingly painful life especially in regard to his mother (schizophrenia, depression), father (workaholic, hoarder), and sister (drug addict). He describes his descent into drugs (crack), emotionally damaged women and violence before finding the key to understanding his behavior. (The Mental Illness Happy Hour)
    • Paolina Milana was born to Sicilian parents and she opens up about her childhood secrets; her mother’s and sister’s battles with schizophrenia and the policeman who groomed and violated her when she was 13. (The Mental Illness Happy Hour)

    Online communities for children of schizophrenics:

    • Children of Schizophrenics - Mental Health (Facebook)
      • Kind of a quiet group but I find validation there even if I'm often the most active member
      • Also, I'm no Facebook-fan but it's where I'm finding others who grew up like me and are ready to talk about it.
    • I Hear You - Children of Schizophrenics (Facebook)
      • Sandra Lau’s FB page for her YouTube channel of the same name. I'm often in the comments there too.
    • A Schizophrenia.com message board for family members of those suffering from schizophrenia.
      • They have rules about maintaining the privacy and anonymity of all it's members, which I understand, but I'm tired of running from that part of me. I know I'll only continue healing in a trusted, safe community. However, to respect the rules, I won't directly link to myself there.
    • Children and adult children of parent(s) with mental illness (Facebook)
      • Found this private group via Christophe Bedeaux on my decade-old YouTube video about growing up with my schizophrenic mom.

    Finding a childhood trauma one-on-one therapist:

    Childhood Trauma Group Therapy:

    Books on healing from Complex PTSD:

    Other stuff:

    • Sandra Lau is a professional singer! Here's her wonderful voice. (YouTube)
    • My own story about growing up.
    • I wrote into an advice column at The Verge about growing up with my mom and the columnist, Leah Reich, was so kind to me.
    • I'll probably forget to update my reading progress on the individual books here but you can follow my reading journey on my profile at The StoryGraph. It's a social media site for books and has a really great recommendation engine.
    • Sandra found this lovely, heartbreaking animation about Sheri Heller growing up with a schizophrenic mother. I don't remember what my mother smells like anymore. (YouTube)
    • Testing my audio-video set up for my RRP Group Therapy Rage Work. (YouTube)
      • (Content Warning (CW): foul language and yelling)
    • Christophe Bedeaux linked to this site with Mental Health Info for Teens

    Edits:

    • 31-Oct-2023
      • added links to the animation and my rage work video
      • formatting
    • 11-Nov-2023
      • added the link to my interview with Sandra Lau
    • 13-Nov-2023
      • added links to a blog post and interviews on The Mental Illness Happy Hour website
      • added the link to Paolina's memoir
      25-Nov-2023
      • formatting
      • updating links to explaining Relationship Recovery Program (RRP) group therapy
      • added link to Patrick Teahan's Instagram
      • added link to the other private FB group
      • added link to website for Teens with Family Mental Illness
      • added link to Dr. Jonice Webb's video about navigating the holidays

  • Hey do any of y’all with severely dysfunctional families have siblings? I’m the older one. We don’t really talk about growing up. We used to do family therapy together years ago but not these days. I feel like I’m on their side and they just take me for granted.

  • worked out here at home for the first time in a long time! exercise is HARD. my squishy unemployed body is so sweaty.

    iOS Fitness Summary Thu, Oct 12 Fitness Gaming Open Goal 4:04 PM-4:27 PM Workout Details Workout Time 0:22:55 Show More Active Calories 165CAL Total Calories 202CAL Avg. Heart Rate 134врм Heart Rate Show More 173 0, •000° 4:04 134 BPM AVG 4:12 4:19 96

  • Reached the end of Swallow the Ocean by Laura M Flynn.

    “Like a funeral that never ends.”

    Yeah. That’s what it’s like having a mother with untreated paranoid schizophrenia.

  • So I might be getting interviewed by a fellow child of a schizophrenic mother for their YouTube channel. I’ll be the first son to do it!

    Here’s the YouTube channel, “I Hear You” by Sandra Lau

    Interview with Dr. Margaret Brown - Psychologist & author of Growing Up with a Schizophrenic Mother. (haven’t watched this particular interview yet. they’re hard to get through)

    This interview feels like being the change I wanna see in the world. I’ve only recently found a book by a fellow son because Sandra Lau told me about it.

    It’s validating to read stories from daughters but I’ve really needed to hear from a son.

    “A Childhood Made Up” by Brent Meersman

    Scared to start reading it, honestly. I’ve only just downloaded the Kindle sample.

  • had a wonderful time meditating with Shinoh at the Won Buddhism Temple of New Jersey

    shinoh and miguel at the won buddhism temple

  • Welp. Fucked up. Been in a shit mood yesterday and today. Also had a headache. Took a nap to sleep it off.

    Slept through the first class of my acting class tonight. Feeling like shit about it and nervous about going to the second class next week.

    Thinking of just bailing and getting a refund if possible. Or just show up next week.

  • my current brain attention monkey is ping-ponging between these: www.youtube.com/watch

    www.youtube.com/watch

  • new profile pic me smiling looking to the left off camera

  • feelin' low. gotta journal about it.

  • had a big cry tonight witnessed by safe people i care about. i am recovering. i am healing.

  • me wearing a mask and glove and a headlamp looking at camera

    bathroom cleaning get-up. no chemical odors for me!

  • dying regrets as affirmations

    often I’ll re-read this article on the top five regrets of the dying: www.theguardian.com/lifeandst…

    i gotta read Bronnie Ware’s book one day.

    here’s their regrets as affirmations:

    I can have the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expect of me!

    I can have the courage to not work so hard!

    I can have the courage to express my feelings!

    I can stay in touch with my friends!

    I can let myself be happier!

  • my snuggle buddies

    two stuffed dogs on a bed

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